That they are not behaving in the way they should?

So sometimes friends and loved ones can let us down – and that’s obviously not cool. But maybe, just maybe it’s time you gave those friends or loved ones the benefit of the doubt. If you feel like this often, maybe there is more to it than just your bad luck.

Have you had a loved one try and challenge your feelings and tell you that you got it wrong (which makes it all even worse because that shows you they don’t understand your feelings and why can’t they just do what you expect of them?). Do you find yourself fighting to convince them of their bad behaviour when they don’t see (or you don’t think they see) your point of view?

Each time this happens you are going to feel more and more let down by them – and it’s going to give you more and more reason to confirm that the feelings you had were justified.

At worst this can spiral, become toxic and destroy relationships. Maybe you have examples where it already has.

But wait a minute…

Didn’t we say ‘loved one’? Crazy as it may seem, maybe they are actually trying to help. If they are a loved one, shouldn’t you perhaps give them a fair hearing? Did the bad behaviour which upset you actually exist? Was there a reasonable explanation for it or for why you saw things that way? Is your loved one as at fault as you originally thought? If not, would it hurt to reassure them that you recognise you got it wrong rather than fighting them even more?

The ‘Poor Me’ Game

We all do it.

It’s actually very common. The problem is that combined with other things (stress, expectations, stubbornness, fixed mindset, communication issues, misunderstandings, past grudges, ‘other evidence’), when this becomes a habit, it will have a tendency to get worse over time and it can be extremely toxic for a relationship.

One of the reasons it gets worse is that we don’t remember facts, we remember feelings. So it doesn’t matter if the feelings were justified or not. We remember the feelings.

In small doses, it’s perfectly natural, we all feel sorry for ourselves from time to time, but hopefully we then pick ourselves up and get on with life as usual. Why do it? It’s a ritual, a routine that we do without thinking about it and it is driven by our ego. We do it to gain sympathy or approval and/or to avoid taking responsibility.

So what exactly is the poor me game?

Let’s take a look at feeling let down: you were expecting to get a particular outcome or situation and you didn’t get the result you wanted. Your ego likely steered you into blaming others or external conditions.

Similarly when it comes to approval & self-worth: You did something and wanted others to acknowledge, appreciate, approve of you or your work and you didn’t get the approval you wanted.

Each of these scenarios feel pretty terrible, right? The good news is that we *can* understand and take control of these dynamics so we can feel good instead.

Poor me is an example of a control drama which thrives on self-pity and being a martyr, where the person playing the game believes that everything is being done to them and that they have no power.

This is the most passive of all the ‘Control Dramas’, designed to get the other person to feel sorry for you using this very passive manipulation (if that sounds strong, bear in mind that this could be sub-conscious and it isn’t all that uncommon either).

The ‘poor me’ drama is designed to make someone feel like they did something wrong, and were not “there” for you in a time of need. When it works, this lures them in to connect with you in sympathy, which shifts the energy of the jointly connected minds to your control. When it doesn’t, it creates conflict. It can obviously also be somewhere in between giving you some control of the narrative – perhaps putting the other person on the back foot trying to justify their behaviour or try and explain to you why you are wrong (which feeds into more ‘poor me’).

‘Poor me’ is essentially a ‘victim’/’rescuer’ dynamic. Whether the game works fully or not, it is extremely draining. If it works fully, mostly it is draining for the rescuer, because the victim has seized control of the joint mind the two parties have created, moving the rescuer into a kind of voluntary deferral to the (passive) control the victim now has. Trying to keep the victim happy, basically put. When the game doesn’t work fully (e.g. when the rescuer tries to challenge the victims claims) it is extremely draining for both parties and prolongs the game.

Control Dramas are crucial to understand because your life is profoundly affected by them. They cause you and those around you the most unhappiness of all your challenging behaviours. And they consume a tremendous amount of emotional energy.

5 Checks to See If You Are Playing The Poor Me Game

1. Check your feelings. Are you feeling stressed? What is the source of that stress? Do you have a feeling of a loss of control or a feeling of being misunderstood?
2. Are you discussing things like an adult, a parent or a child (see our article on transactional analysis if you are unfamiliar with these terms or want nore on this)
3. Are you addressing the issue or the person?
4. Are you assigning blame?
5. Are you dealing with the current situation alone and staying in the present or searching for other examples to confirm your feelings?

What if You Have Been Let Down?

So, if you genuinely have been let down then you should *still* give your friend or loved one a fair hearing. They are far more likely to see your point of view and sympathise with you if you do the following four things:

1. Avoid blame and address the problem, not the person
2. Try and listen to their point of view, even if you disagree and accept that they probably had good intentions even if they didn’t act in the way you wanted them to (this is likely if they are a friend or loved one and in any case most people do have good intentions, it’s just that we all have different views of the world and different perspectives including what ‘good’ looks like)
3. Beg to differ – if you can’t agree, move on rather than trying to force them to take your view.
4. At all times talk as an adult talking to an adult (see point 1). As above if you are not familiar with this term, for more on this see our article on Transactional Analysis.

Final Thought

However down you are feeling and whether or not you recognise the ‘poor me’ dynamic at play, if as asked at the start of this article you often find yourself feeling sorry for yourself, that hints that there may be something else going on.

You are either in a dangerous situation that is too difficult to rise above because it is genuinely toxic or you are part of the problem and you can do something about it by taking a look at your own behaviour.

In the first instance, you need to get out of there.

In the second, I hope this article has gone some way to help you challenge your own behaviour, choose to be a little more optimistic and give those around you who love you and are probably trying to help you a bit more of a chance.