I have recently been helping someone out who has become overwhelmed with all kinds of problems.

It all boils down to a breakdown in a relationship with a (previously) trusted partner.

The communication has suffered, money is being withheld on both sides, suspicions of trickery and bad intentions, insults thrown this way and that, ugly arguments, complete meltdown in that relationship and way too much stress, resentment and anger between the two of them.

What Happens When Relationships Break Down

One thing that tends to happen which we have talked about a few times recently is we start battling.

Small things (or things that used to be small) become big things.

We create an awful lot of noise. Often both sides do because emotions get involved and often respect, trust and along with them any last shreds of rationality go flying out of the window.

Noise Reduction

The way out of this carnage or at least a way to make the way out easier, is to simplify things.

Here is how we reduce the noise – work out what is really important and what is not. Grab a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left are the things that really matter. On the right is everything you can let go of or at least defer. Try and put as much as you can in the right column.

Don’t write anything in the left column for now. If you want to write something there hold that thought for now. Keep slinging things over there on the right.

Don’t worry too much about the important, left-side stuff just yet. If it’s important, it’s not like you are going to forget it, is it?

Keep on listing all the things that have been bothering you but that you can admit to yourself you can afford to let go of. Don’t worry you still have a record of them if ever you want to come back to them. That’s what we’re doing here.

OK when you can’t think of anything else, take the things that you want to put in the left column, the things that really do matter.

Here is how you address them.

One by one.

One by one, ask yourself before you write it in, is this issue really important, is it really an issue, can I put it in the right column after all? Am I worrying unnecessarily? Is there another point of view? Did I get it right etc? Can I let it go? What happens if I do nothing?

This way you may actually find out you really only have one issue, you may actually have none, or you will at least find out that you have a lot less that you really need to deal with than you thought before this exercise.

You have reduced the noise which was getting in the way of your progress, of addressing things rationally and of focusing on what’s really important.

Moving Positively Forward

This is not about saying you don’t have issues, it is about getting some focus.

This Noise Reduction exercise will help you to focus on what you need to address and give you the time and space to do that well.

Now the next step is to ask yourself how to take this much smaller list and objectively and rationally address the issue or issues that are on it. Do this one at a time and do so positively. Take emotion out of it.

It may take a few goes.

Here is a simple plan for addressing these issues objectively:

1. Decide for any given issue why that is an issue for you. What do you want or expect that is different? What does good look like?
2. This is important: Ask yourself if your expectation here is reasonable. Part of the issue and all of the stress around it may very well have come from you and from unfair or unrealistic expectations. Maybe the issue you perceived isn’t an issue at all. So even having gone through the noise reduction exercise above, here we are again. Check that your expectations are realistic here, objectively, rationally and with focus and positivity. Am I asking too much?
3. Assuming that it is still an issue, decide what you need to do about it. If you can remain calm, reasonable and objective and keep emotion out of it, how do you get to the expectation in step 1? It may be as simple as asking a question and waiting for the answer so you know what to do next. In that case, ask the question politely, objectively and at all times give yourself the reasonable test. Am I being reasonable? Do I sound reasonable?
4. The final step is, or could be taking action. Again this should be measured, reasonable and objective. Imagine in the future someone is questioning the action you took. You want to be able to answer them that it was something that made sense and was done in a fair way. Am I acting reasonably?

Noise happens when we are stressed.

Everything becomes a hundred times more complicated, we focus on the detail, every little thing bothers us and confirmation bias leads us to see everything we fear and that ticks our little stress boxes and for all that to be grossly exaggerated.

Hopefully this little and very simple exercise (even if done mentally without the piece of paper) will help reduce the noise, improve focus on what really counts and also help you to be more positive about moving forwards.