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Transactional Analysis: How To Use Transactional Analysis To Communicate Effectively — 18 Comments

  1. Been reading up on transnational analysis and stumbled across your site. I have a stepdaughter who is only 9 but she already goes into critical parent. For example she criticised how I load the dishwasher or do household chores “Oh you always do it like that!”
    “You do realise you’re doing that wrong don’t you?!”
    As a person who had very critical parents as a child it really irks me. Firstly as it feels disrespectful of me as an adult (I feel angry when she does it-crucial parent) and secondly because inside it triggers my adaptive child state of being ‘Never good enough’.
    She also gives me these long withering looks with no apparent provocation.
    What is a good way to try and help this little girl to stop going into critical parent? And how can I respond in a healthy way to this?
    This all fascinates me and is so useful to people like myself in different family situations. Thank you!

    • I have studied this for a long time and find it fascinating. To help her your response would be to always respond in the Adult frame of reference. She will eventually rise up to respond as well in the Adult mode. Do you think some of what she is saying she has picked up from someone in her circle? Teacher, someone she spends time with? At this age, it sounds learned.

      Here are some examples:

      You do realize you are doing this wrong don’t you?
      Adult: What makes you say that or feel that way?
      Adult: I am doing it this way because…

      You Always do it like that!
      Adult: Yes I do. It gives me the results I am looking for.
      Adult: Yes I do. Explain why this bothers you.

  2. Been reading up on transnational analysis and stumbled across your site. I have a stepdaughter who is only 9 but she already goes into critical parent. For example she criticised how I load the dishwasher or do household chores “Oh you always do it like that!”
    “You do realise you’re doing that wrong don’t you?!”
    As a person who had very critical parents as a child it really irks me. Firstly as it feels disrespectful of me as an adult (I feel angry when she does it-crucial parent) and secondly because inside it triggers my adaptive child state of being ‘Never good enough’.
    She also gives me these long withering looks with no apparent provocation.
    What is a good way to try and help this little girl to stop going into critical parent? And how can I respond in a healthy way to this?
    This all fascinates me and is so useful to people like myself in different family situations. Thank you!

    • Hi Vicki,

      first of all apologies for taking so long to respond & thanks for the comment.

      Also – I should qualify anything I respond here by saying I am not a qualified TA practitioner, just an interested party who has done some research into the subject and sharing what I’ve learned on the site. That being said, I would imagine the key is first to recognise the transactions that are happening (which TA obviously helps with) then beyond that stick to calm, adult responses.

      At 9 years old I would imagine there is something there to be curious about rather than hugely concerned about so why not explore it a little… ‘Does that bother you?’, ‘Why don’t you show me the right way then?’ etc.

      Just a thought but for my money (if it were my 9 year old) I would remember who the actual adult is in that relationship, remember that it is my daughter that I love and probably try and find out where that kind of expression came from, she is probably mimicking someone, maybe playing with boundaries a little – my approach would be to explore that behaviour a little calmly rather than challenging her and showing that you are really bothered by it.

      Long way of saying in my view the response you are looking for is nurturing parent (probably because your 9 year old acting out as a critical parent is not appropriate but I would also explore it a little to find out why if you can do that and stay curious & calm).

      Again, just my thoughts, you may well get other responses from others reading this who are more qualified than I am.

      Good luck!!

  3. Many years ago my husband and I took the test. He was child (to parent) and I was adult to adult. I had seven children already when he married me. So many conflicts. We had a counselor who told us to take the test, but when my husband saw the results, he would not go back. We are old now and yet, if I calmly state a problem, he overreacts and it is terrible. What can I do? Divorce is not an option as we are on Social Security and he is not well. Shall I just buy the book and hope for the best?

    • Hi Mary, I’m sorry to hear that and these kind of problems are more common than you think which is why, not only in this article but also in others I have written so much about it and related issues (e.g. this one too: Are You Playing the Poor Me Game?). That being said, I am not a professional counsellor or healthcare specialist, this is just stuff I am very interested in, though I also relate very well to your predicament.

      All I can say from my point of view is that when trust has broken down, it is very difficult and gets worse, because patterns (habits) have a tendency to be repeated, it is what we do as humans and confronting these problems is not easy.

      When you say you took the test, what test are you referring to?

      • I don’t recall the name of the book, but it had to do with Transactional Analysis. Which book is the best one to use? I am not going to “play the game” with him. Trying to figure out how not to get an argument started, since he overreacts no matter how calmly I mention a concern. I swear I just lovingly state a problem, but he always thinks it is an attack on him. Like,
        “I think maybe we should cut the grass each week during the summer.” Wow! “Why are you attacking me?” he replies. We live in Florida and it grows so fast. We have a lawn service. ??? Then the argument goes on… yelling and finally I yell back. Not a pretty picture. He is not senile and neither am I.

        • Hi again Mary, so the test was in a book? I thought you said your husband wouldn’t go back once he took the test (and presumably got results he wasn’t happy about), so I had the impression that you took a test somewhere, maybe with the counsellor you mentioned. Is the point that the counseller suggested a test, the test was in a book and you did that together? Also as you called it ‘the test’ I got the impression it is something worth knowing about – can you tell me more about it?

          Again with regard to the comments and flying off the handle in response to innocent comments, I can only tell you, yes I can relate to you. When a relationship has broken down it is about trust and my guess is that there is a lot of resentment on both sides – you toward him for playing victim and him toward you as he obviously feels like one. The question is probably whether that trust can be rebuilt and how.

          I know I have been in situations where I end up getting upset because of a similar situation where someone close to me is playing victim and reacting strongly to something I have said which is perfectly innocent – it is extremely frustrating and feels unfair to be blamed, judged and misrepresented in this way and I have ended up reacting strongly myself (feeling wronged) plenty of times in this situation. The problem is I also tried slowing down, speaking more compassionately and lovingly and trying to reason calmly. What happened? The person in question got even more upset by that!!! It can happen in varying degrees and if someone is playing the poor me game (victim) then in the worst case scenarios where trust has broken down completely I believe it doesn’t matter what you do, it is going to annoy them, and because this is all very unfair, it will also upset you.

          If it helps, I do believe (albeit to varying degrees) this is actually a lot more common than you think.

          A possible way out (but also not easy at all because it leaves loose ends where things have been said but not addressed) is to exit the situation by both agreeing that when the drama starts, you give each other some space. This is really not easy and is not even a great solution but maybe the best there is until trust and love is restored (and resentment forgotten) in the relationship. Not easy to do to pull yourselves out of there and also potentially leaving open wounds depending upon how soon into the conflict you get out. What’s going to happen is whoever is ranting is going to keep ranting for a few minutes even after the other is gone and both will feel hurt. The point is: this is something you are doing rather than addressing things but let’s be honest, you were not addressing things anyway, just fighting so it’s about the better of two evils. The ideal is for the drama not to happen in the first place or to happen in much smaller ways that you can both live with (we all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes and we all get angry sometimes).

          There aren’t easy answers to this and there are many books on the subject. Personally if, aside from this conflict you are both compassionate people, I think understanding the dynamics and reading about it is a really good way to go. As a minimum it will give you both a common vocabulary you can use to at least begin to try and recognise the problems (if the will is there from both sides).

        • The hardest part with Transaction Analysis is continuing to stay in Adult mode. When he says “Why are you attacking me? Respond differently while staying in Adult Mode. You might say: Its interesting you heard this as an attack. I will say thought that when I say “We” I usually mean “You”. So ask yourself, are you suggesting he do something this summer? If it was just an observation you were making, then you might have said..I notice the lawn grows so fast in the summer, how often do you think it needs to be cut?

    • Hi Mary, sounds like your husband’s in Free Child mode. You can either communicate with him in your Free Child mode in which you’re your both kids, or in your Nurturing Parent mode. I’m going to speculate that your husband feels criticized and he was raised in a home with much criticism. Also, more impactfully, men over about 50 – 60 years old often feel more emotion because of a drop in Testosterone, whereas you may feel even less emotionally based because of less estrogen, therefore your Testosterone is more pronounced. Ahh, the irony of the golden years. From a practical nuts and bolts standpoint (I will sound demonstrative here..), do not use the word SHOULD. Should is a criticism trigger word. Ever heard the expression don’t should on me? 🙂

      Secondly, when beginning a conversation, always first knock. (I know this may sound very 1950’s like, but stay with me here…) Say these exact words to him: Excuse me sir, I want to talk about the grass when it is convenient for you, hopefully today, what do you think? (and then be quiet, don’t say a word, and let him respond. If he doesn’t, just go about your day and leave the question hanging on him.)

      He’ll (hopefully) come around on his time and have a rational, calm engaging Adult to Adult (or at least Adaptive Child to Nurturing Parent) discussion with you.

      When you talk with him after he’s come to you, express to him what you FEEL and what you DON’T want. Like, I FEEL vulnerable when the grass is high because more bugs come into the house and I DON’T like bugs because they are creepy and I fear them crawling on me at night! See how you’re expressing your true emotions, instead of using generic words like “uncomfortable” which is a word that describes the net result of feelings. When a man hears “uncomfortable” we don’t comprehend the why or how that’s at the root of the discomfort, therefore, we can’t respond, or after repeated experiences of not receiving the feelings data, we might give up in frustration.

      Most men will RUSH to protect a woman, including against bugs, so hopefully he still has some primal man in him and will make it his sworn duty to be your hero and defend you against all predators in Florida, pun intended! 🙂

      BTW, if anyone is ever assessing a man as a potential partner, one night when you’re out, and he’s not distracted, without saying anything, noticeably shiver like you’re cold. Make it somewhat obvious (we’re great but we don’t read minds, yet!) If he rushes to keep you warm or offers you his jacket, you may have found a keeper! 🙂

      All these tips are the result of my training from an AMAZING TA based Cognitive Therapist named Dr. Pat Allen. Her approaches and communication techniques are world famous and incredible. I’ve just touched the surface. Her book that delves into her 5 step communication technique is appropriately called Staying Married and Loving It. You might be able to find it at a local library or used for a lower price.

      Here’s a direct link to the book description web page:
      https://wantistore.com/books/staying-married-and-loving-it/

      Let me know if you have any other question and best success to you and your husband! I’m rooting for you both! Post a reply to my message so I know you at least saw it, please.

  4. Hi I am wondering what year this was published as I have to reference it for my assignment? It really helped a lot. Thank You!!

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