In the last article we explored attention, how to give and receive the right amount of attention – how to truly be present and available in the current moment and how a truly mindful approach can help tremendously.

We discussed the healthy ego vs the neurotic ego and how the latter can get in the way of healthy adult relating (and therefore prevent true mindfulness).

The 5 Ego-Based Mental Habits

There are five major mental habits, fed by the Neurotic Ego that interrupt true mindfulness, that interrupt authentic attention and unconditional presence and which can cause others to feel hurt or unloved. These five mental habits are common to people the world over and are virtually involuntary. In essence, we can’t help ourselves.

Let’s take a look…

1. Fear

Fear means fear of a particular situation or person, however subtle. Effectively: “I perceive a threat in you or am afraid you may not like me or something I am doing therefore I am on the defensive.”

2. Desire

Desire is about the need for another person to meet our demands or expectations, satisfy our emotional needs or fulfil our wishes. Effectively: “I am trying to get something from this or you.”

3. Judgement

Judgement happens when we are strongly attached to our own opinions. It can take the form of admiration, criticsm, humour, censure, positive or negative bias, labeling, moralism, praise or blame. Effectively: “I am wedded to my own opinion about you or this.”

4. Control

Forcing our view, ideas or plans upon someone else is all about control. Effectively: “I am attached to a particular outcome and therefore need to persuade, advise, fix or change you.”

5. Illusion

When the Neurotic Ego takes over our view of reality this mental habit kicks in and can occur as denial, idealization, exaggeration, projection, fantasy, hope, depreciation or wish. Effectively: “I have a mental image or pre-conceived belief about you or this and it obscures what you are (or this is) really like.”

Note: Any of the above interpretations driven by the ego may be accurate but they are still a distraction in so far as they still interfere with our experience of the present. Each of these habits is effectively a filter, our own interpretation of reality modified (sometimes significantly) by our own biases and beliefs – it is a minimization that imposes our personal dramas upon reality and makes fair witnessing impossible.

For the above reason the 5 mental habits described above should not be seen as ‘bad’. Each is full of energy that can be steered and used. The task therefore is not to disown these habits and their associated internal dialogues, but to redirect their energies so that they can serve us and others.

Fear can become wise caution, Desire can prompt connection, Judgement can include intelligent assessment. The key is to use these habits objectively, mindfully acknowledgeing them, questioning them even. We cannot stop our minds from engaging in these distractions, but mindfulness reduces their impact and helps us catch ourselves in the act.

Also, these are habits, and habits can be retrained. To learn more about how we are wired to form habits (and how to re-program these) see the following articles on habit forming:

• Habits (aka How To Learn ANYTHING) – (1 of 2)
• Habits: How To Learn ANYTHING (by Understanding How We Form Habits – Pt 2 of 2)
• Habits: How To Achieve Incredible Things

Closing Thought

The ego-based mental habits outlined in this article, whether leading to ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ observations are overlays which provide a limited view of reality. They obstruct reality hiding parts of it. They are minimisations. Without these we are open to more possibilities and able to witness the present fully.

Imagine for a moment if you no longer felt obliged to figure out what people are up to. Then you are finally free to be truly mindful.