Like you’ve given so much. So much… without thanks.

Or with very little thanks. Not enough thanks.

You spend your entire life trying to please people and in the end you just get shit on.

People take advantage.

You get stressed and worse – you end up resenting them.

You lose (or turn your back on) friends.

People you expected better of disappoint you.

Why does this happen?

You may not like the answer.

You expect too much.

That’s right, you’re giving with expectation – of thanks, of appreciation, of something in return.

No, this doesn’t make you a bad person.

You are a good person. You’ve given so much.

The problem is the stress caused because of disproportion.

We’ve all been in situations like this.

I recently was myself. I spent a lot of time and effort preparing a gift for someone which I thought was unbelievably thoughtful. I thought they’d be blown away by it. Perhaps shed a tear. At least gushing with thanks.

Nothing. Very little response.

I still feel now like chasing them up and asking them how they liked their gift.

I find it hard to believe I didn’t get a better reaction than I did. But then I remind myself the gift was genuine, the thoughts that go with it were genuine (actually it was many gifts). If I was to chase up and ask how my friend liked their gift then why would I be doing that? That would be needy on my part and I’m way too attached to an outcome I was kind of hoping for (gushing thanks) – more on that next week as it’s something else I want to write about – being attached to outcomes and how much trouble that can get us into.

Whether or not I hear more from my friend about that gift is actually irrelevant. It was an awesome gift and I do find myself wondering if perhaps it was too much – but the thoughts were genuine, the gift was genuine and it’s a gift, a set of gifts I really wanted to give that means something, so that is enough.

What I’m trying to say is this happens to all of us but we have to ask ourselves on what basis we are giving that which we give.

We need to try to give without expectation – that is truly giving.

This is why ‘Nice guys’ often grow to be resentful and tired of being disrespected, despite spending their entire lives relentlessly giving: they give with expectation.

If you can’t give without expectation maybe don’t put so much effort into giving in the first place – give to the extent you are happy to, it is a nice thing to give and a rewarding thing for the giver as much as the receiver but if you want to avoid disappointment just don’t set yourself up for that.

Give because you genuinely want to give and give generously.

There is a natural tendency we humans have toward reciprocity which will happen most of the time and naturally if you do happen to be a giver but the moment you become someone who gives looking for that reciprocity, someone who is nice, generous, helpful and giving as part of some kind of strategy for getting something in return (even if this is subconscious) – then you can begin to stray into dangerous ground. Dangerous ground that will actually end up hurting yourself.

Giving without expecting anything in return is really the only giving there actually is, otherwise it is an exchange and should be stated as such at the outset.

If all you need is a simple thanks, you could argue that is normal and just common courtesy – well it is and you should, but just try not to let it affect you too much if/when it doesn’t come – and certainly avoid judging a thank you as not being ‘enough’ thanks – then you could well be on that rocky road.