In the last article we looked at feeling let down & this one follows on from that a little. Let’s take the science and psychology out of it for a moment though and look at the simple idea of expectations (because, though related, it’s a different way of looking at the subject, is a very easy fix and expectations can very often be the source of a lot of problems – primarily that of disappointment, unhappiness or feeling let down).

A Simple Lesson from a Friend

So let’s take a look at a really simple way we can all be a lot happier, a lesson from my friend Konrad…

Some time ago I had a close friend (re-)visiting London and he came equipped with a very small list with just 5 or 6 simple things on it he wanted to buy, see or do.

We had a great weekend. I can vividly remember two thoughts I had at the time which happened fairly consecutively. The first thought was something like this:

• “Wow, if it was me and I had a whole weekend I’d be looking to do a lot more than that” (a little judgemental I know, guilty as charged)

and the second thought which actually followed pretty shortly after the first was more along the lines of:

• “Wow, if Konrad’s life is that well organised and that settled that all he wants from this trip are the things on that list, then that’s a pretty cool place to be”

The lesson that has always stayed with me from that moment is a lot less about the quantity and a lot more about the expectation (which is really thought two that I vividly remember along with the associated feelings).

(That was made clear because of the small piece of paper that Konrad unfolded at the start of day 1 as we set off for central London. The small piece of paper that had only 5 or 6 things written on it which he proceeded to cross off one by one over the two days, very happy about each one as he did. In theory the list could be 50 or 60 things, as long as they fit the same model of being simple and realistic expectations – though if it was a list of 50 or 60 things arguably I wouldn’t have had such an epiphany!)

What is great about this is that in the process of achieving these 5 or 6 simple things, of course we saw, achieved and did a *lot* more. We enjoyed the journey. It was an awesome weekend, every moment of it.

Imagine for a moment that you are playing host to a friend visiting from abroad. You are going to spend the weekend with them. You ask them if they have anything in particular they want to do or see over the weekend.

• In scenario A) they say they don’t really know, it’s up to you.
• In scenario B) they pull out a tiny list of 5 or 6 things
• In scenario C) they pull out a huge list of things they couldn’t fit on a single page so you can’t se how many things are on there.

In which of these scenarios would you say you were most optimistic of you both having a great weekend?

Expectation Management

In the 3 scenarios described above, you may say scenario A is also pretty good but when it’s all down to you there is always the risk you don’t meet their expectations. There is that word again. So at least in that scenario you should tell them what you suggest up from and check that that works for them (‘Expectation Management’).

In business, particularly when working as a consultant, an expression I used a lot with clients was ‘I want to manage your expectations’. That is because I know that in business (just like in life in general) a mismatch in expectations between two parties (in this case between the client and myself as the consultant working for that client) could be a cause of major problems. In broad terms, the idea was to under promise and over-deliver. Then the client would have had their expectations exceeded and be very happy. The goal of ‘managing client expectations’ was to give myself enough ‘headroom’ to then massively exceed those expectations for the client. Perception management if you like, but somewhere in there the work I was there to do would be more than delivered. So usually, when we talk about managing expectations, we are really talking about the bits around the edges, how it was delivered, what the communication was like, interpretation of client requirements, timescales involved, any ‘extras’ etc. In that sense, essentially the less the client expects, the more I can give them.

Expect Less, Gain More

Konrad’s London visit with his tiny little list was over 12 years ago but it has stayed with me ever since. It really was a very enjoyable weekend.

I should add that whilst really really good friends, Konrad and I could be known to argue with each other quite a lot, so it really wasn’t a given that this weekend was going to go well. It did, however and ended up being one of the most enjoyable weekends I have ever had.

My admiration for Konrad grew immensely and I can remember being impressed with him for being so happy about such little things. I wasn’t into mindfulness at the time but in hindsight that whole time was extremely mindful. We just enjoyed every moment that weekend and without a busy agenda we were much more alert to enjoy the things immediately on offer.

Effectively, as I was playing host, Konrad was my client for the weekend, I hadn’t seen him for a while, he was a close friend and I really wanted him to enjoy his visit. I was ready to manage his expectations but I didn’t need to, he had more than done that already for himself.

He expected very little of the trip and as a result he (and I) gained much, much more.