A few weeks ago I asked the same thing.

In that article (‘Do What Makes You Happy – Part 1‘) we looked at the source of this guilt perhaps being via unfair comments, judgements and observations from others. Observations formed from a limited view and packed with our good friend confirmation bias. These comments can hurt, particularly when you feel that they are very unfair.

Such comments can often be quite instructive in terms of telling you how well people really know you and who your real friends are (but again, be careful how far you go with this otherwise you’ll soon find yourself playing the same game – judging others). In any case, if these comments and observations are from people you’re not so close to, it often isn’t so bad. They don’t know you well after all…

… but what if it’s from people closer to home who you feel should know you better?

Then of course you have to give their comments some consideration, to look at where these comments come from…

… and that’s what we’re going to look at here. When the person making the comments or judgements – the person who is making you unhappy – is someone who is very close to you – and by the way, it goes without saying that you are probably making them unhappy too. It’s all to do with what we’ve been talking about recently. Filters, Expectations, Confirmation Bias… (Nobody said it was easy).

Filters All Messed Up?

In the first article (Part 1) I wrote this:

Sadly, it’s all too often that people will resent your success, wealth or happiness and make assumptions and form judgements based on the very limited view they have of your life, your decisions or your behaviour, projecting their own world view or expectations onto that very limited view that they see.

and it bears repeating here. Why? It doesn’t make sense if we’re talking about people who are close to you, people who should know you better, right?

We could get into a lot of detail here between filters, expectations, shifting memories and confirmation bias. Suffice to say that even if you think they should know you better, and you may well be right, that opinion is based on your view of the world and they have theirs. So however ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ that is, well, here we all are.

Sometimes, even if it is someone close, jealousy, anger, resentment and any number of other negative biases can come into play. Often this amounts to people adopting a fixed mindset (you’ll never do that, who do you think you are, you’re so full of yourself, I’ll believe it when I see it, you should be …), in one way or another resenting, judging or ‘cutting down to size’ someone that doesn’t fit their particular view of right and wrong at that given time (even, bizarrely if there are lots of examples to the contrary, because they won’t be the examples that spring to mind at that moment. Instead, the examples, *any* that match will – you guessed it, confirmation bias again) – i.e. because they are adopting a more fixed mindset, they will have a more fixed view of what they see as acceptable or unacceptable, right or wrong behaviour and all things in between – and it’s very difficult to change the view of someone who adopts a fixed mindset.

I’m going to explain more about Fixed Mindset (maybe on it’s own or maybe vs Growth Mindset) in another article as it’s a huge topic, but I believe it’s also relevant to give at least a small mention to here.

Maybe it is as simple as knowing a little about each others faults and foibles and over time things getting a little skewed out of proportion. In difficult times the bad stuff getting a little over-emphasised (or even imagined) and the good stuff being hard to see. When we know each other well, we have so much more to draw on but it’s all done through filters, and sometimes – for everybody – these filters can get a little messed up. Like through wobbly glass.

Close Hurts More

Close hurts more. When someone close makes a comment or judgement it is so very different than if someone you don’t really care about were to say the exact same thing – because you care more about what this person thinks of you.

So whether or not it comes from a fixed mindset, these comments, particularly when from friends or loved ones can be very hurtful indeed.

So should you stop doing what makes you happy, or maybe just cut back a little?

The answer may seem obvious, but it actually isn’t.

Let’s take a look at the options:

Option 1: Redressing Your Priorities

So the first thing to look at is have you got your priorities right?

The person criticising you may well think you have not and that may well be the basis for the criticism, so you need to look honestly at that.

If you can say honestly that you have got your priorities right (e.g. putting the health and security of your family first, or whatever the priorities are for you), then I would argue that you shouldn’t change doing the things that make you happy. If your priorities are right and you’re not hurting anyone doing what you’re doing, then what’s the harm? The problem lies somewhere else.

You may need to have a discussion about it, it may not be an easy discussion and you may never agree. In fact, it’s going to hurt – and the more you care about that person questioning your priorities, the more it’s going to hurt. It’s going to come down to how much compassion, trust and belief they have in your view of the world vs how much they hold on to the view that they have formed. You may think the former seems reasonable once you have explained yourself but at the same time people can be so attached to their own view that compassion goes out of the window, in fact they could even become offended that you won’t accept their view (which is going to hurt more because that’s the one that includes you having questionable priorities). Very frustrating.

It’s also one of those things where the more you argue about it, the worse it gets, because it’s not actually about logic & reason any more. It’s about feelings.

Option 2: Trying to Make Yourself and Your Loved One(s) Happy

Again, not as easy as it sounds.

First of all, for yourself, you may be doing something you love, but knowing that someone you care about has made a judgement about that and is effectively criticising you doing it – your reasons, the extent to which you do this thing or your priorities as mentioned above. There has to be a reason (in that person’s world view) that what you are doing is wrong to some extent – and they’re either right about that or they’re not.

The tricky part is they are probably right about it in their view and wrong about it in yours, so what gives?

So then maybe you should just give up or cut back anyway to keep them happy. Even if you disagree with them and because you care for them. The risk here is that (obviously depending upon your specific circumstances) there is a very real danger you could be on a slippery slope trying to meet this persons expectations and never quite manage.

You effectively become a slave to their view of the world.

It may not take over your life completely but it certainly has a very controlling influence and because it doesn’t match your view or your intentions and doesn’t even have any appreciation of your view or your intentions, you will be forever on the back foot and nothing you do will be good enough anyway.

Option 3: Compromise

So we are not in black or white world here.

Obviously there are grey areas. There may be a little bit of truth in the criticism or comments that have been made. In that case there is probably a compromise that needs to be reached.

Remember I asked above if the comments/criticisms were fair, well compromise is what happens when they are not exactly fair, due to exaggeration (and if this issue is a common one between you then this can be a truly ridiculous level of exaggeration), but there is something there.

So in this case, there’s not much more to say, you should both try to compromise. Again, difficulties will come into play when trying to reach this compromise if you are not able to see each others view and each consider and show some trust and compassion to the other.

The Other Side of The Coin

Obviously all of this is a little off if at the same time you are criticising this person and judging them for something they are doing.

Are you supportive as a friend or loved one to this other person? Do you encourage them to do what makes them happy?

OK then.

So we are back on track.

A Rising Tide Lifts All Boats

At times in my life I have found myself making so many sacrifices and ‘switching off’ things for others for various compassionate reasons that I have made myself unhappy as a result.

These things have included career choices, ‘life’ choices, relationships, hobbies and financial decisions.

Not the end of the world, we all have our ups and downs and taken one at a time they would obviously be decisions that on balance I was prepared to make, but what happens when the person you have done all that for is still not happy?

That makes you unhappy. You make each other unhappy. You sink slowly together.

Lovely.

On the other hand, what happens when you’re happy?

People around you tend to be happy.

I read a great book by one of my favourite authors, Eric Emmanuel Schmidt, ‘Monsieur Ibrahim et Le Fleurs Du Coran’. The simple message in that book – which was about a small boy all lost in this world – was a piece of advice given to the boy from one of his role models in the book – smile. You will get away with more than you think, people will be nicer and the world will be a better place if you smile.

Negativs vs Positives

Plenty of success gurus talk about cutting out negative influences from your life and surrounding yourself with positive influences instead. If you want success, surround yourself with successful people. If you want wealth, surround yourself with wealthy people. If you want happiness, surround yourself with happy people. Whilst I don’t personally put any limits or conditions on the people I surround myself with, I do believe there is some truth in this principle.

You may also not be able to easily change some of the people or negative influences affecting your happiness or the activities that make you happy, but what you can do is strive to be as happy as you can be. That includes doing things that make you happy.

Do What Makes You Happy

So when it comes to people throwing stones at you for doing what makes you happy, it’s not always as easy as it may seem to address and I may have provided as many questions as answers in this post.

Even if you’re bizarrely not actually happy doing what makes you happy (because the problem is elsewhere), keep going and try and address the reason why.

In general I would say that you should do what makes you happy. We all deserve to be happy and if you keep on giving in to the prejudices of others, then it’s not only you who won’t be happy, but those around you won’t be happy either.

Do what makes you happy.