In Buddhism, it is one of the 3 main causes of suffering (the other 2 being ignorance & aversion) – attachment of any kind can cause suffering.

In this case we are exploring the attachment to a desired outcome.

It can be very subconscious but also, left unchecked it can become a habit that causes a lot of suffering – a lot of stress.

I shared in a previous article how I recently found myself feeling a certain sense expectation following a gift I gave someone – an expectation of a certain level of thanks – and that this is a bad thing. I had an attachment to an expected or desired outcome of that action.

Instead I should have just given without such an expectation.

Attachments can take many forms but in this case, attachment to a desired outcome is basically neediness. Not an attractive trait.

Being attached to things working out in a certain way, with a specific result, just the way you want it is precisely what neediness is.

You may have had a suggestion for a friend or partner that you thought was a great idea and then been shocked and even hurt when they disagreed with you. You felt it in your gut. That’s probably because you had already role-played in your head how the conversation would go and were maybe even looking forward to presenting your idea to them and playing out that conversation for real. Of course you were hurt and disappointed when it didn’t go the way you expected. But should you have been?

That is putting an expectation on the outcome and also an unfair expectation on your friend or partner. You’re not exactly giving them a no-strings idea to consider are you if you are so attached to the desired outcome and instigate a huge argument when it doesn’t go the way you’d hoped?

If you react with disappointment to a rejected request or are visibly reliant on someone’s agreement, you signal an uptightness and neediness that is unattractive, a lack of flexibility that makes you hard to work with, to communicate with, even perhaps to be with.

Neediness shows a real lack of flexibility which is kind of the opposite of what you want if you want to get anywhere in life and give your ideas some air time.

Put your ideas out there but let go of any attachment to the outcomes and people will listen more and want to hear more of your ideas – because they come without strings attached.

The same goes for sport (which is where it can become really difficult) – I know I personally struggle at my favourite sport in a competitive environment simply because I want it too much – it’s complicated because in that case it includes an extra dimension of not wanting to let team mates down but all of that psychological baggage just gets in the way of performing well. I believe the very best just play to the best of their ability and let the outcome be whatever it will be – becoming too attached to that outcome gets in the way leading to nerves, choking etc. and sub-optimal performance as a result.

I’ve written about this concept before in this article: Zen, The Inner Child & The Perfect Cup of Tea

Zen is all about letting go of your attachment to a certain outcome. This is just as important – maybe even more important – in everyday life as it is in sport, tea, archery and flower arranging.

Let go of the need for anything to be a certain way.

Show that you can be adaptable, you don’t need everything to go your way, you have options and can deal with many outcomes, not just one. Even if you have a preference (which is obviously OK), don’t impose this on others, let them decide and show them that you need nothing to be a certain way.