Well, if you do, read on…

When we go to the movies, we sit back, we relax, we look forward to it and then hopefully we immerse ourselves in a different world for a while in order to make the most out of the experience. Then we come out the other end, sometimes feeling refreshed, sometimes disappointed, sometimes curious, sometimes with new thoughts and questions, sometimes feeling energised (like when I went to watch Superman for the first time!).

All this because we dove in. We left our own world and jumped in to the one presented to us by the movie.

Sure, it wouldn’t make sense to start arguing with a screen that can’t answer back or to switch off and stop listening to the movie (especially when you paid so much for the ticket and bought all that popcorn), but the movie analogy is still a very useful one so hold on to that thought for a moment.

In the previous article we looked at how to ask better questions and I suggested an adjunct to asking better questions had to be better listening – being prepared to really listen to the answer to those questions – particularly when they are very different to what you would expect.

You may not agree, but that’s OK – at least get the meaning and understand it properly in it’s full context before you discard someone else’s perspective. If nothing else this will enable you to put across a more meaningful, balanced and respectful counter argument or alternative viewpoint.

So back to the movies.

You guessed it.

We can use the analogy of watching a movie to listen better – adopt a movie mindset.

This is a really handy metaphor to help us switch off our own internal chatter for a moment or two and to simply listen.

The Movie Mindset

So we were at a point just now considering various possible feelings when leaving a movie. Often, even if just in a very small way, the connection we made with the story or the characters in the story has changed our lives. Our outlook has been altered by forgetting ourselves for a while and seeing someone else’s perspective.

Now let’s bring this into more practical terms – back to the real world.

People often invite us into their ‘realities’ – their movies – by asking us questions such as ‘Do you see what I mean’, ‘Can you see it from my point of view?’, ‘Do you get where I’m coming from?’ or statements such as ‘Put yourself in my place’.

In these moments we have a choice to take up that offer but so often fail to do so properly simply because our own perspective – our own confirmation bias – gets in the way and we find it too difficult to let go of our own view.

If instead we approach a listening opportunity with the same self abandonment as we would if we were going to see a movie, think of how much more we would stand to gain from the conversation.

Take the time to listen for many of the same reasons you go to the movies – to satisfy your curiosity, to learn something new, to be informed, to get a different perspective, to be entertained… to experience something outside of yourself. Though it can be difficult to switch off your own internal chatter, it is also as simple as doing just that, i.e. all you need to do is sit back and get into his/her movie.

Relating The Movie Mindset to NLP & Better Communication

This concept also goes full circle.

Once you can listen better, you can also communicate better.

This is true of any type of cognitive or psychological modelling whenever that approach leads to better understanding – be it NLP, Myers Briggs, Transactional Analysis, CBT or any other similar framework.

The reason is that when we listen better, we understand better and when we understand better, we create a better common vocabulary and when we have that we can use that to make better progress in our own communication.

In NLP for example there is something known as our ‘Modalities’ – whether we respond better to Auditory, Visual, Auditory-Digital, Kineasthetic or Olfactory stimulation. Knowing this when communicating with someone we can adapt our language and approach to ‘paint a better picture’ for them using the most appropriate language – something as simple as ‘picture the scene’ will work well for a more visually stimulated person for example.

The same is true if you really get into someone’s movie. You learn more about them and their view of the world. Knowing this it is going to be much easier to communicate with them and to put things ‘in their language’ – because you can relate to their point of view so much better (than if when they were talking you remained stuck in your own).

A Practical Example

Imagine you are a parent and your 16 year old teenage daughter returns home from an evening out with her friends.

She was supposed to be home no later than 10pm but she ends up returning home just after midnight. You hear some noise outside which sounds like an argument with someone with a male voice (you thought she was going out with her girl friends) then the front door slams she storms up to her bedroom swearing and stomping her feet as she goes up the stairs. She slams her bedroom door so hard it nearly comes off the hinges.

So you have a couple of options: 1) Be a critical parent and tell her to calm down and how it is really not appropriate to storm in like that swearing and waking up her younger brother who was already in bed 2) Be a nurturing parent and offer to listen to her tell you about what happened to make her so upset.

By doing the latter and putting aside any disappointment about her behaviour (you can always come back to that in a few days when things have calmed down if you need to) you’ll forget about the noise and bad language and put yourself in her place as she tells you about her evening. You’ll get closer to her and her point of view. What your daughter really needs is for you to relate to her perspective in that moment, whether her perspective and upset is justified or not. Stying tuned, staying silent and getting into her movie is the best way of getting to the bottom of what actually happened and for both of you to move forwards, together.

Your teenage daughter senses your attempt to identify with her and will probably be very relieved, especially if your usual approach is to challenge her for the bad behaviour. Instead of alienating your daughter, you have strengthened the relationship.

There are other examples perhaps you can think of.

How the Movie Mindset idea can be useful in a salesman-customer or teacher-student situation (as opposed perhaps to more traditional less symmetrical relationships) I will leave you to consider as I could also write a lot more about each of these but still live in the hope of keeping my articles fairly brief!!

Final Thought

Want to get better at being a really good listener?

It’s easy – just imagine you are going to the movies. Immerse yourself.

Put your own views and biases to one side for a while – well, for the entire length of the movie.

Added bonus: Do this well and you will find that people pay far more attention to your movies too.