Often when things are really important then we don’t argue at all, we find a way through it – because it’s important.

…but then we argue about the most trivial of things!!!

Crayzeeee.

That’s the Ego for you.

Such arguments are most often a case of things being taken way too personally and often with a hefty dose of miscommunication or misunderstanding. Bizarrely it can get exaggerated exponentially when it involves people we know well and care about. One view is because we think they should know (us) better, but we drop the other view too easily – remembering that these are people we love and who love us.

Our Own View Of The World

Don’t forget we all have our own view of the world so that needs to be borne in mind too – arguments, anger, incredulity, emotional attachment to ‘a position’ or your own view of something stokes the fires of hell in these situations.

We don’t have to force people to take our view, but at the same time we must listen, respect and consider one another’s views (and be prepared to question our own). This obviously becomes difficult when it is something or someone we care deeply about (worse if it’s both), but in these cases, in these cases that is when we need to be even more Zen and remind ourselves that we must listen and respect each others views, slow down, create space, get curious, make it a discussion, not a fight.

Think of the discussion as two people who care about each other looking into the discussion from the outside, considering all of the elements, including both points of view, the two people in this instance having a thoughtful, calm discussion about whatever the issue or issues are and chatting together about it on the same team rather than creating and being on opposite ‘sides’. Then be prepared to leave the two points of view as two differing points of view or to choose either one (or another one) after considering all of the elements.

Made Up Injustices

I have observed very recently a couple of arguments with people very close to me where in both cases one party took offence and it escalated from there. The ‘offended’ party, in both of these arguments accused the other of using an aggressive, abrupt tone of voice which I found rather interesting as in both cases the tone of voice I found to be neutral or at least not offensive in any way. Interesting how when someone is feeling offended or perhaps a little stressed, fragile, hurt or vulnerable that they can literally hear things differently. This happened with two different people, both intelligent, both of whom I love and respect yet both who did the same thing in very similar circumstances (they heard an offensive ‘tone’ that simply wasn’t there).

The Downward Spiral

You can see how these things can spiral out of control. The accused party then does have a different tone of voice, affronted, frustrated, maybe pitchy and proceeds to counter with a defence saying they weren’t being aggressive or abrupt and then it begins… The offended party (in both cases I have observed recently) then ‘adds’ various injustices that they have perceived, in some cases exaggerated in others literally made up. The thing is, they believe them with all of their heart. Either they have added them unconsciously or they have some innate need in that moment to confirm to themselves (a kind of internal confirmation bias) that they are right to be feeling hard done by.

I Said/You Said & Timing

Such arguments often get into ‘You said…’ and can get into semantics of what was said by whom and at what point in the argument. In an ideal world, with the right sequence of events, perfect understanding between both parties and therefore the correct context understood from both sides, we’d get somewhere. Unfortunately the reality often involves timing of what was said being thrown all over the place and context being horribly lost in translation (often making matters even worse). Clue: If you find yourself getting into ‘I said/You said’ with someone, maybe save yourselves some time instead…

Poor Me

This is to a greater or lesser extent a version of the ‘Poor Me Game‘ playing out which I have written about before. We can all do this at times in our lives when we feel like we have been ignored, offended, not listened to or maybe simply not agreed with (when we fully expect to have been)… and maybe particularly so when it concerns people we are really close to, maybe more so still if we are stressed already or already feel hurt by something that person ‘did’ to us (read: whether or not they actually ‘did’ that thing, what is of importance and at play here is the perception of what they ‘did’ – remember we all have our own view of the world).

Who Are We really Angry With (Who Really Has The Problem)?

Let’s now get back to the title because this article is not about the poor me game, there is another one for that (Are You Playing The Poor Me Game?).

Who is the offended party really angry with?

There is a philosophy that if someone has a problem with you then it is their problem, not yours (within reason, we are talking about a grossly exaggerated or unprovoked problem with you – if you ran over somebody with your car, then obviously they’d be right to have a problem with you!) – that you should not engage too much with this ‘problem’ and let them think whatever they like, it’s their world, their world view not yours. Their problem – i.e. who are they really angry with finding problems with everyone like that, feeling sorry for themselves etc etc etc.

So I get the philosophy and it’s part of a wider philosophy I am very keen on (Mindfulness, Buddhism, Zen, Taoism, Wu-Wie etc) – but I personally find it really, really, really difficult to deal with this particular kind of issue. If someone sees an injustice which isn’t there, perceives a problem that isn’t there, I want to tell them that they got it wrong. That they misunderstood, that it’s not like that. Often it’s not black & white either, there are many shades of grey (no, not in that way – curse that damned book!). We may have a difference of opinion that offends someone (think politics) though it shouldn’t really be offensive to them at all, they just want you to share their opinion because they care deeply about their opinion and they simply want you to be of the same opinion. They cannot for the life of them understand why you are not of the same opinion. Get this: It is OK to have different opinions. In fact it is healthy to.

When we try to tell someone we care about that they are wrong when they are upset about a perceived injustice it can get very very difficult. You could ask them ‘Who are you really angry with?’ but I wouldn’t advise it. Telling them they are wrong even in the nicest possible way if they are deep into the poor me game is not likely to be seen as a reassurance but rather as an attack which will fuel further issues. For me, unfortunately on this one there is no easy answer. My own answer to these situations if observing it between people I love, is to remind them that they love each other but otherwise to try and stay out of the argument. Say very little but make comments to try and re-introduce some rationality into proceedings. If the argument includes myself, I find it very difficult not to want to explain the misunderstanding and this has gotten me into hot water more times than I could count. The trick is knowing when to walk away, when to recognise that the discussion is not going to work – and hopefully as early as possible. Then in the following moments, show that you have moved on with another kind of reassurance, a kind gesture, a different ‘safe’ conversation or just some space depending upon the person/people involved – if they are people you know and love then you will know what is the most appropriate.

Last question, if this is you – the offended party – then maybe you can ask yourself is there really a problem? Who am I really angry with here (or put another way who really has the problem here?).

Life can be really simple if we allow it to be, we just over-complicate it because we spend far, far too much time in our heads.

Live in the moment.

Trust those you love and who are close to you or as a bare minimum, give them the benefit of the doubt.